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Senior Member ? Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: United States - Religion: Mormon / LDS / Christian Posts: 3,714 Thanks: 853 Thanked 1,338 Times in 886 Posts Laughs: 290 Laughs at 329 Times in 190 Posts

When joining a newly blended family, there's sure to be some tension in the household, especially when children (under 18) are dealing with loss or absence of a biological parent, and are now dealing with a new mother or father figure. Can we agree that step-parents have a responsibility to unconditionally love their step-children? Even if it doesn't come easy, or natural, it's the step-parents responsibility to treat their step-children as their own? Right? But does the same apply to the step-children? Is it their responsibility to unconditionally love their step-parent? I thought about this, trying to place myself in this very situation. If I were a step-parent, I would do my utmost best to show unconditional love to my step-children. But I wouldn't expect them to call me mum, nor would I ever pressure them to do so. I think as long as they are respectful to me, that's good enough under the circumstances, I can't force them to love me like their biological mother (who has either passed, or is absence due to divorce) because I'm NOT their mother. I find it selfish that some step-parents push kids to call them "mother" or "father". If the kids come around right off the bat, or even gradually, great -- but don't force it. From the kids' perspectives.. I think respect is all that is needed towards their step-parent. I don't believe they are required to love their step-parent as THEIR parent because they already have a mother/father.. Just not living in the household anymore. In addition, the children are not responsible for either the death or divorce, so to pressure kids to show unconditional love towards a step-parent is a bit rough -- respect -- absolutely but not necessarily love as with their biological parent. Thoughts? (This topic stems from yet another Hallmark movie I've watched this week.. Lol). __________________ it'stheholidayseason!

Senior Member ? Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Canada Religion: Protestant Age: 52 Posts: 4,910 Thanks: 1,224 Thanked 834 Times in 582 Posts Laughs: 315 Laughs at 119 Times in 70 Posts

Quote: When joining a newly blended family, there's sure to be some tension in the household, especially when children (under 18) are dealing with loss or absence of a biological parent, and are now dealing with a new mother or father figure. Can we agree that step-parents have a responsibility to unconditionally love their step-children? Even if it doesn't come easy, or natural, it's the step-parents responsibility to treat their step-children as their own? Right?... I wouldn't agree that a step-parent would treat their step-children exactly as their own. When is comes to discipline that should be the responsibility of the biological parent and not the step parent. M. __________________ I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who - is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are. - Milton Berle Sound, balanced teaching is a must. Our default should be to partake. Our default should be to live in joy, not condemnation. Our default should be to love, not to correct, to encourage, not to criticize. (Quote from prisonchaplain)

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My husband had full custody of his two children from his former marriage. I raised my step-children since they were the ages of 2 and 4. They were calling me mom before DH and I were even married (which did not go over well with their biological mother). They wanted to call me "mom". They wanted a mom in their life, not a part time parent. I did not give them birth, but I loved them, sacrificed for them, gave them my all as I did with my own biological children. There was no distinction between them and my biological children in our home. I disciplined them as i did my own (which worked, I think, because they were so young when DH and I married). I believe step-children should respect their step-parent just as they would their biological parent. Who is the one cooking their meals, washing their laundry, buying their clothes, taking care of them in illness, helping them with homework, making Halloween costumes for them, loving them etc.? In my case, it was me, the step-parent.

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Quote: My husband had full custody of his two children from his former marriage. I raised my step-children since they were the ages of 2 and 4. They were calling me mom before DH and I were even married (which did not go over well with their biological mother). They wanted to call me "mom". They wanted a mom in their life, not a part time parent. I did not give them birth, but I loved them, sacrificed for them, gave them my all as I did with my own biological children. There was no distinction between them and my biological children in our home. I disciplined them as i did my own (which worked, I think, because they were so young when DH and I married). I believe step-children should respect their step-parent just as they would their biological parent. Who is the one cooking their meals, washing their laundry, buying their clothes, taking care of them in illness, helping them with homework, making Halloween costumes for them, loving them etc.? In my case, it was me, the step-parent. Thanks for sharing. I think when children are very young, there's less tension. I think when they're school-aged, especially preteens and teenagers, the adjustment can be very challenging. __________________ it'stheholidayseason!

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Quote: I wouldn't agree that a step-parent would treat their step-children exactly as their own. When is comes to discipline that should be the responsibility of the biological parent and not the step parent. M. I disagree. And this is why more often than not, the losers in a blended family are the children. Step-parents hold the same influence on the children as the biological parents. The conflict between biological parents and their spouses should not bleed into the children. When you're in a blended family, the discipline of the children should remain consistent regardless of biological/step parenting. Therefore, how the biological parent and the step parent handle discipline should be consistent across all children - step or biological. And all parents are responsible for it. Just because you're a step-parent does not give you the option to pass.

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Quote: When joining a newly blended family, there's sure to be some tension in the household, especially when children (under 18) are dealing with loss or absence of a biological parent, and are now dealing with a new mother or father figure. Can we agree that step-parents have a responsibility to unconditionally love their step-children? Even if it doesn't come easy, or natural, it's the step-parents responsibility to treat their step-children as their own? Right? But does the same apply to the step-children? Is it their responsibility to unconditionally love their step-parent? I thought about this, trying to place myself in this very situation. If I were a step-parent, I would do my utmost best to show unconditional love to my step-children. But I wouldn't expect them to call me mum, nor would I ever pressure them to do so. I think as long as they are respectful to me, that's good enough under the circumstances, I can't force them to love me like their biological mother (who has either passed, or is absence due to divorce) because I'm NOT their mother. I find it selfish that some step-parents push kids to call them "mother" or "father". If the kids come around right off the bat, or even gradually, great -- but don't force it. From the kids' perspectives.. I think respect is all that is needed towards their step-parent. I don't believe they are required to love their step-parent as THEIR parent because they already have a mother/father.. Just not living in the household anymore. In addition, the children are not responsible for either the death or divorce, so to pressure kids to show unconditional love towards a step-parent is a bit rough -- respect -- absolutely but not necessarily love as with their biological parent. Thoughts? (This topic stems from yet another Hallmark movie I've watched this week.. Lol). I agree with you here. The parents chose to break the family. The children didn't. They are not obligated to love step-parents but they are obligated to show them respect.

Senior Member ? Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Canada Religion: Protestant Age: 52 Posts: 4,910 Thanks: 1,224 Thanked 834 Times in 582 Posts Laughs: 315 Laughs at 119 Times in 70 Posts

Quote: I disagree. And this is why more often than not, the losers in a blended family are the children. Step-parents hold the same influence on the children as the biological parents. The conflict between biological parents and their spouses should not bleed into the children. When you're in a blended family, the discipline of the children should remain consistent regardless of biological/step parenting. Therefore, how the biological parent and the step parent handle discipline should be consistent across all children - step or biological. And all parents are responsible for it. Just because you're a step-parent does not give you the option to pass. It appears we're both right. As parents in a blended family the most important issue you will face is how your children will be disciplined. Child discipline in the blended family is something you should discuss and set rules about before marrying. In the beginning the biological parent should be responsible for the discipline of his/her child. As the stepparent gets to know the child and develops a relationship their role of disciplinarian can be introduced into the relationship. It is crucial that at some point each biological parent be permitted to and feels comfortable disciplining all the children in a blended family situation. Each parent should ultimately have a role of authority in the children?s lives but only after bonding has occurred and relationships have been established. As in any family it is important to give children plenty of love and balance that love with firm boundaries. This can be more difficult in the blended family until bonds have been formed and trust developed between the stepparents and children. Blended Family - Child Discipline In The Blended Family M. __________________ I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who - is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are. - Milton Berle Sound, balanced teaching is a must. Our default should be to partake. Our default should be to live in joy, not condemnation. Our default should be to love, not to correct, to encourage, not to criticize. (Quote from prisonchaplain)

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Senior Member ? Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: United States - Religion: Mormon / LDS / Christian Posts: 6,647 Thanks: 1,060 Thanked 3,528 Times in 2,213 Posts Laughs: 218 Laughs at 713 Times in 427 Posts

Quote: It appears we're both right. As parents in a blended family the most important issue you will face is how your children will be disciplined. Child discipline in the blended family is something you should discuss and set rules about before marrying. In the beginning the biological parent should be responsible for the discipline of his/her child. As the stepparent gets to know the child and develops a relationship their role of disciplinarian can be introduced into the relationship. It is crucial that at some point each biological parent be permitted to and feels comfortable disciplining all the children in a blended family situation. Each parent should ultimately have a role of authority in the children?s lives but only after bonding has occurred and relationships have been established. As in any family it is important to give children plenty of love and balance that love with firm boundaries. This can be more difficult in the blended family until bonds have been formed and trust developed between the stepparents and children. Blended Family - Child Discipline In The Blended Family M. Sounds good. With only one differing opinion - I do not believe one should marry (or move in together) unless bonds have been formed and trust developed between the adults and the children.

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Quote: Sounds good. With only one differing opinion - I do not believe one should marry (or move in together) unless bonds have been formed and trust developed between the adults and the children. Just a question on this. What if the adults have similar disciplinary styles but the children just will never get on with the potential step parent? So do you just never get married?

Senior Member ? Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: United States - Religion: Mormon / LDS / Christian Posts: 3,714 Thanks: 853 Thanked 1,338 Times in 886 Posts Laughs: 290 Laughs at 329 Times in 190 Posts

I don't believe there's one manual, or one way, in successfully having a blended family. There's just too many variables in the mix, and each of those variables will differ from family to family. But respect is a MUST have in every case. With time, and patience, I believe love will come. Quote: Just a question on this. What if the adults have similar disciplinary styles but the children just will never get on with the potential step parent? So do you just never get married? In response to the above. Ultimately, children don't decide who their parents remarry, however, I think some very serious consideration should be taken before tying the knot. If your biological children outright HATE their potential stepparent, this needs to be addressed and if no solution can be resolved, perhaps marriage SHOULD be postponed. I've read and I've heard too many stories where people remarry but their kids are up in arms about it -- they outright despise their stepparent and will do whatever it takes to sabotage the marriage -- sometimes this in fact ends the marriage. I think it's important couples are aware of the impact of remarrying into a blended family. Are they willing to make it work no matter what? Is step-mum or step-dad willing to be patient with their stepchildren that are likely going through many emotions of confusion and anger? __________________ it'stheholidayseason!

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